Posting this satirical take on the Night Before Christmas on or about Christmas day has become a bit of a tradition here at Peluso Presents. I hope you enjoy.
A Christmas Dream
By Mike Peluso
Based upon: A Visit from St. Nicholas BY CLEMENT CLARKE MOORE
‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
only I was up and emailing, my hand moving my mouse;
The stock tickers were placed on the desktop with care,
In hopes that financial freedom soon would be there;
The children were nestled all snug in their beds;
While visions of their sugar fueled dental bills ran through my head;
While mamma was under the comforter, my keyboard went clickety clack,
Fighting to stay awake, not even a short holiday nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my desk to see what was the matter.
I was fearful if a gas line blew up with a flash,
Or Wondering if my insurance covers someone falling on their a_s
The moon lit the honeydo to clear the new-fallen snow,
It gave a lustre of midday to kids toys scattered below,
When what to my wondering eyes did appear,
But my used sienna roof holding a sleigh & eight tiny reindeer,
With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be St. Nick.
He jumped out and went to the locked door.
Then to my surprise he walked right in, across the wood floor.
To the tree he went and started placing toys down
Every time he did his smart phone made a cha ching sound.
I creeped ever closely, scared I had gone insane..
then out of the smartphone popped a receipt with my card number and name.
He spoke not a word, but continued his work,
then filled all the stockings; and turned with a jerk,
He walked to the counter and dropped the bill down
Then walked out the door; He didn’t make a sound
I walked to the door, and it was still locked.
So I quietly slid it open, put my head out and gawked.
The reindeer pawed and scratched my roof like a little game,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
“Stop, Dasher! stop, Dancer! stop Prancer and Vixen!
Cut it out, Comet! you to, Cupid! I mean it, Donner and Blitzen!
This is all this guy has! don’t scratch it at all!
be careful as if he’s not insured, I don’t want to fall!”
He pulled back, and said oh, wait there is one more thing.
He turned to look right at me and his eyes glint like a diamond ring.
I forgot, there is one more gift for today.
He said the gift is the most important of all anyway.
He had a few words, all about my work,
He said I can own all the stock now; I can fire the jerks,
or I can have a pension, fully funded and ready to go,
I can do what I want, I can stay or I can go;
You won’t lose your house, you medical is paid.
Your wife won’t’ be so stressed you might even get —.
He turned back to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a pistol
But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight—
“You fell asleep at your desk, but isn’t this christmas dream the best way to end your night!?!”
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[…] the last few years, I wouldn’t write anything new, and I would always repost my variant of “The Night Before Christmas” but that’s starting to feel a little overdone. […]